Addictive Behaviors

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The problem with me keeping up with a blog is because i’m a perfectionist.  I have soooo many ideas in my head that I want to write about, but then I dwell to long and then just do not do it.  Well, i’m going through something right now and I’ve got to get it out.  Hopefully, someone somewhere can relate.

As long as I can remember, I have been addicted to something.  Pain pills, anti-anxiety meds, Adderall, alcohol, K-2, Marijuana, men, self-harm, etc etc.  I have been through a total of 210 days of rehab.  Unfortunately, my mind really did not want to be sober and this continues today.  The chaos in my mind makes its ugly appearance every so often. I will think i’m doing good, functioning normally, being productive, loving, and caring.  Then, out of nowhere, it hits.  The agonizing thoughts of unworthiness, unloveableness resurface.  I have no one to lean on for support.  Well, I do have my boyfriend, but i’m well aware that exposing my inner most demons to him may cost our relationship.  There’s only so much truth one person can handle.  So, what do I do? Numb myself.  I’m tired of it.  I just want to be free of these demons once and for all.

My boyfriend and I got into an argument at 4 am this morning because I couldn’t sleep and I just wanted to drink a few shots of Gin so that I could easily fall back to sleep.  He was fine with that, but then when I returned from smoking a cigarette outside, I found that he put the bottle of Gin away.  In my diseased mind, I went to that place in my head where I feel like i’m being treated like a child.  I have been in quite a few controlling and abusive relationships, however, he is different.  He genuinely wants me to succeed and accomplish all of my goals.  His intention for hiding the bottle of Gin was more of a protective measure against myself.  But at the time of the argument, I couldn’t perceive THAT being the reason.  I perceived that he was just trying to be controlling as well.

I have got to get a handle on this…Quick like.  I am in the first healthy relationship I have been in and I risk loosing him if I do not straighten up.  Worse yet, I could loose my kids if I do not get a grip on these continuing addictive behaviors.  There…this is my truth.

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Controlling My Anger

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For as long as I can remember, I have had a quick temper. I go from zero to 100 real quick. I have gained some control over it, in the fact that I no longer act violently. But I do struggle with that demon named Revenge or Retaliation. My therapist told me that it’s part of my Borderline Personality Disorder.  I can hate or despise just as much as I can love.

This issue causes many problems with relationships and friendships. At this moment,  as I write this, I’m having to invoke some control because I want to kick my co-worker’s ass. To be honest,  I’m being petty, but I’m owning it. As good ole Dr. Phil would say “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge “. I do want to change it because anger, irritability, and frustration lead to depression and anxiety. I constantly have to recite the Serenity Prayer in my head.

Maintain control woman.

Improved Impulse Control?

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When I think back to some of the ridiculous decisions I have made in my life, it astounds me. The person that I am today just cannot conceive of that exhausting manic. What changed? A year ago I stopped all psych meds.  Now I do NOT support this decision for anyone without proper professional support /guidance.  I, however,  was about to become homeless, did not have a job, my husband just left, and took my car. Yep…rock bottom.  I knew I wasn’t going to be able to even pay my $3 co-pay, let alone be able to afford my meds. Hence, my decision to stop my meds. I did manage to make my Buspar last up until recently.  I have only taken those in emergency.  If anyone has taken Buspar, you know it’s not that effective, nor quick acting.  Besides going off all meds, I’m in a loving, supportive relationship,  and I’m working and in school  (psychology) again. Could it be a combination of environmental changes and going off the meds?

Now, back to the Impulse control issue.  Being completely honest, my Bipolar list includes…
1) countless affairs
2) addictions
3) several suicide attempts
4) jail x 2
5) DCF and court
6) constant religious changes
And that’s just part of it.

I can say that in the past year, suicide has not crossed my mind once, my addictions are gone, my anxiety is barely noticeable,  and I’ve had complete closure of any and all legal matters.

I have noticed a gigantic amount of impulse control that I used to never have. I still struggle at times, of course. I do have a different lifestyle than before and I have a strict routine.  I just wanted to share this in hopes of learning of other’s stories.

Here We Go Again…

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I am the WORST when it comes to seeing a project through.  I’m just being completely honest…procrastination is my middle name!  I’m far from lazy and hardly unmotivated, but…  I have decided to try to incorporate blogging daily into my routine.  If you’ve read my earlier posts, my life has been quite the roller coaster ride, to say the least.

Today, I am happy to say that I am healthy both physically and mentally.  As I have arrived at my 1 year anniversary of being “med-free”, I realized that my change in environment and a much more supportive partner has made all the difference.  Oh, I still have my rough days.  I continue to react negatively because I have false perceptions.  Controlling my mind is literally a minute-by-minute struggle.  And of course, there are days when I really miss my manic moments.

Another event that has transpired in my life is that I am currently working on my Bachelor’s in Psychology.  I haven’t quite decided on the exact area of psychology that I would like to turn into a career, but I am learning so much about my diagnoses and how to handle them best.  I stopped grabbing onto the labels “Bipolar” and “Borderline”.  I am me, plain and simple.  Well, I am hardly plain or simple, but you get the point.

Not Giving up This Time

It’s been quite the roller coaster to say the least. My husband just decided to leave one day after listening to bullshit from my crazy ass mother. I’m finally at the anger part in the stages of grief. I was on the verge of throwing in the towel and checking myself in, but I’ve decided to stay and fight. I’m on my meds and feel great. I’m scared as hell to do this on my own, but I have to for my children. For once, they need to meet the woman I used to be… That fought for what was right and that handled things on her own. This time I will NOT give up and I won’t back down.

Why?

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How can one’s life change so drastically within 5 minutes? I have learned the secret, however I can no longer share my thoughts or MY struggles. Because of what someone has “assumed”, I have had law enforcement and/or DCF at my house three times. You see, because of my Bipolar and history of Baker Acts…my past is being used against me. I now stand to risk loosing my children because of a paranoid husband and crazy mother joining forces. My journals and my blogs have been violated. I’m a mental health advocate and it’s now seen as a bad thing.

If any of them are reading this…

Fuck You!

Done with Religion

My brother, Mr. D, is a pastor and has come down for the holidays. He makes me nervous, like he’s judging me. His wife is uppity and today, I was planning a nice comfortable and reflective Sunday. It’s true, I’m not in church, but I have a more personal relationship with God than most. I approach religion from the 12 step view of a Higher Power.

Organized religion becomes an unhealthy obsession for me and it had a hand in my first suicide attempt in June 2003. I already feel the constant need to be perfect, then I have religion telling me that I’ll never be good enough. My past includes a very strict and fundamental way of living, which drove me further from God and has made me quite suicidal. Add to that, others telling me I’m not in God’s graces then. WOW! In my personal experience, it’s Christians that have such a difficult time about my openness about my past and my mental illness. My past shows how far I’ve come today.

Believe me, I know those that claim Christianity while judging are confused. For me, I have given up on organized religion and focused completely on my own walk with God, as I see God. I do not have to be perfect or sane for the God I serve. I can just be me ~ whoever that may be for the day.