adderall, addiction, alcohol, alcoholism, anxiety, bipolar, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, DBT, Depression, hypersexuality, mania, manic, marijuana, mental illness, opioids, paranoia, self harm
The problem with me keeping up with a blog is because i’m a perfectionist. I have soooo many ideas in my head that I want to write about, but then I dwell to long and then just do not do it. Well, i’m going through something right now and I’ve got to get it out. Hopefully, someone somewhere can relate.
As long as I can remember, I have been addicted to something. Pain pills, anti-anxiety meds, Adderall, alcohol, K-2, Marijuana, men, self-harm, etc etc. I have been through a total of 210 days of rehab. Unfortunately, my mind really did not want to be sober and this continues today. The chaos in my mind makes its ugly appearance every so often. I will think i’m doing good, functioning normally, being productive, loving, and caring. Then, out of nowhere, it hits. The agonizing thoughts of unworthiness, unloveableness resurface. I have no one to lean on for support. Well, I do have my boyfriend, but i’m well aware that exposing my inner most demons to him may cost our relationship. There’s only so much truth one person can handle. So, what do I do? Numb myself. I’m tired of it. I just want to be free of these demons once and for all.
My boyfriend and I got into an argument at 4 am this morning because I couldn’t sleep and I just wanted to drink a few shots of Gin so that I could easily fall back to sleep. He was fine with that, but then when I returned from smoking a cigarette outside, I found that he put the bottle of Gin away. In my diseased mind, I went to that place in my head where I feel like i’m being treated like a child. I have been in quite a few controlling and abusive relationships, however, he is different. He genuinely wants me to succeed and accomplish all of my goals. His intention for hiding the bottle of Gin was more of a protective measure against myself. But at the time of the argument, I couldn’t perceive THAT being the reason. I perceived that he was just trying to be controlling as well.
I have got to get a handle on this…Quick like. I am in the first healthy relationship I have been in and I risk loosing him if I do not straighten up. Worse yet, I could loose my kids if I do not get a grip on these continuing addictive behaviors. There…this is my truth.